


make it stop, make it end

by XxHentai_CookiexX (Satoru0829)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Bullying, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, Graphic Depictions of Scars/Wounds, Homophobia, M/M, Male Homosexuality, School, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-08 07:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7749445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satoru0829/pseuds/XxHentai_CookiexX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jayden wants nothing but an ordinary school life – friends, so much peace that it's almost boring, and more or less good grades. However, fate has it that he gets to know Alan, who is the exact opposite of him. He is different.</p><p>And this "different" is what makes people hate him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	make it stop, make it end

**Author's Note:**

> When I started writing this fic, I knew exactly three things about it:  
> 1 – It contains a suicide. 2 – It's about two guys (oh my shipping intentions). 3 – one of them is called Jayden.  
> And those three things resulted in this story. Well, duh.
> 
> If you are in any way offended by this story, then I am very sorry, that wasn't my intention. My main goal was to write about the troubles of teens who are "different" and show what the results of bullying can be. I am not trying to make fun of any of the subjects mentioned in this story.
> 
> The characters' looks are barely portrayed. I'll leave them to your imagination.
> 
> Last but not least, thanks to my father for the awesome beta! You rock! \\(^-^)
> 
> EDIT: Oops. The heavy similarities to the song "Make it stop (September's Children)" by Rise Against / the September 2010 suicides in general were not intended, either. (After all, I just found out about that a moment ago, suuue me.) I can recommend the song, though.
> 
> And now, like, enjoy if you can.~

_I remember that day like it's the most important one in my life._

_It was sunny and windy at the same time, and he wore his hoodie open for once. With the t-shirt underneath clinging to his body ever so tightly – as if even the fabric looked for a rescue –, it became more obvious than ever how skinny he was._

_I was staring at him through the window, wondering why he was out there. The wind tugged harshly at his hair and his clothes and he looked like a leaf that was trembling in the breeze surrounding it. And then, with one heavier gust of wind, his upper arm was bared._

_I couldn't help but stare at the red lines that broke the monochrome white of his skin._

 

"Jay!," Daniel called out, ripping Jayden back out of his thoughts.

"Huh?" The dark-haired boy looked up, startled, and pushed his hair out of his eyes just to see his friend sitting next to Samantha. Samantha was one of the seemingly perfect, popular girls who had almost no brain at all and didn't even care about that fact as they had their body instead.

"Partner exercise, mate," Daniel simply explained, patting Samantha's shoulder. It was such an obvious attempt at flirting that it would have been visible even with closed eyes. "And look! Alan doesn't have anybody to work with. Again. Seems just like a nice opportunity for you, right?"

Jayden wasn't sure if he should say something to point out that if Daniel wanted to get rid of him that quickly, he could have that more easily, but he decided otherwise when he glanced at Alan. The small boy sat at the other end of the classroom, staring at his table with his fingers clenched into loose fists. Jayden quickly moved over to him, ignoring Daniel's further comments.

"Hey," he simply greeted when he sat down at Alan's table. "Wanna work with me?"

The latter looked up at him, and ever so slowly, a smile, unable to reach his eyes, appeared on his lips. "Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks."

Jayden had to keep himself from flinching when he saw the wound in his classmate's face. It looked less like an accident than like a cut that had been neatly drawn across the boy's cheek. Jay knew what it was. He shouldn't, but he did. Just because of that windy day a few weeks ago. "No problem." He smiled, too, but his smile felt as fake as Alan's looked. "Let's go for it."

 

Daniel, oddly enough, stared at Jayden with a look of compassion and a bit of worry when the bell rang and they left the school building.

"What?," Jayden wanted to know.

"I feel a bit guilty for making you work with that freak, to be honest," Daniel admitted. "Like, he didn't come for your ass or something, did he?"

"What the-" The dark-haired boy gaped at him. "Why would he? He's actually a pretty nice guy!"

"Because he's a fucking homo bitch, that's why. C'mon, don't tell me you didn't know!" Daniel seemed both surprised and a bit pissed.

Jayden shivered slightly when he saw the look on his friend's face. It was the look of, _Despise him as much as we all do, or our good relationship will end right here_. A look that held the obvious threat of also becoming a victim.

"What the fuck, really?," his mouth exclaimed before his mind could stop it. "I really didn't have an idea! Good thing you told me about that, man."

"I'm glad you realized that." Daniel's expression softened again. "It's probably best to stay away from him. Hell, it must be _so_ embarrassing for you to know that you've even talked to him."

"Definitely," Jayden managed to agree. His eyes fell on Alan who was actually pretty close by, looking at the ground as usual. Jay was sure he had heard their conversation.

Being the regular teenage boy he was, he didn't despise many things about himself. But this was the one part he couldn't help but hate – his weakness. His fear of being different and being hated for being the person he was.

 

"Okay, everyone!," the teacher called out. "Pair up like you did last time, you'll work together like that for the next few weeks."

Jayden suppressed an inappropriate curse at that statement. He would have to work together with Alan. After more or less joining in on bullying him.

Well, great.

"Good luck." Daniel patted his shoulder compassionately. "I hope you're gonna survive that."

"Yeah, thanks," Jayden muttered, then went to sit by Alan's side. The silence that stuck between them was probably the most awkward thing he had experienced in his sixteen years of life.

"Hey," the dark-haired boy murmured as soon as the pupils' volume was rising with everyone discussing the assignment. "Sorry. You know, about that ... stuff I said yesterday."

Alan shook his head lightly. "I expected that you would join them one day."

"No, it wasn't that! I was just–" Jayden stopped mid-sentence, knowing that he wasn't able to make up an excuse without making himself look like a total fool.

"–afraid of showing who you really are," Alan finished his sentence, much to his surprise. His face didn't even show the slightest emotion. "You didn't want to admit that you're different because that would turn you into someone like me."

Jayden froze. He had expected any reaction, but not this. Not finding anything similar to a good answer, he quickly looked away. Out of instinct, maybe.

Alan seemed to reach out a little bit as if he wanted to touch his classmate's hand, but he stopped before it even turned into a definite movement. "I understand why you don't want to be like me. You can beat me up just like all the others do, if that makes you feel better." The smile on his lips was back. The cut on his cheek was no longer alone.

"I won't," Jayden denied. He was sure he had never felt more opposed to hurting someone.

"You can never know that," Alan replied. "We'll just see. Let's start working on the exercises now."

For quite some time, they sat together and only exchanged small statements on how to get their assignment done.

"Alan?," Jayden attempted to break the ice after a while. 

Alan froze for a second; his eyes seemed to widen. "Yeah?"

Jayden hesitated. He wasn't sure if he had forgotten what he wanted to say or if he didn't want to remember it. "Nothing," he muttered quickly. As if that could change the fact that he didn't feel hatred towards the entire class's victim. In a rather small, accidental movement, he dropped his hand on Alan's arm. A visible twitch went through both of their bodies as they started staring at their joined limbs.

Then, surprisingly enough, Alan's eyes seemed to start boring holes into Jayden's. "Let go." His tone was so demanding that he hardly sounded like himself.

Jayden's gaze flared across the room. He spot Daniel and a few others of their classmates staring at them. Fuck. If he didn't do something now, it would probably lead to consequences he didn't want to face.

Slowly, he tapped a finger against Alan's arm in an almost provocative manner. "And what if I don't?" He was hesitant to do what he was about to do, but it was the only way of keeping himself safe. All he needed right now were good acting skills.

Alan didn't reply. He didn't seem to focus on anything but Jay's hand.

"And what if I don't?," Jayden repeated his question, pressing his fingertip against Alan's forearm. Despite the thick fabric of his classmate's shirt, he could exactly feel the slight up-and-down of clean skin and bruising cuts.

Alan bit his lip, still staring down at his arm. His anger from before had faltered entirely, leaving nothing but a small, pathetic pile behind. He was the only person with exact knowledge of what his skin looked like, and even without the pain throbbing through his arm, he would have been fully conscious about what he was hiding under his sleeves.

"Do you seriously want to stay silent all the time?," Jayden mocked him, not quite in the situation to stop now. "Or are you just too stupid to use your voice while I'm hurting you?"

Alan, although desperate to remain silent throughout the entire moment, couldn't help but whimper quietly when he felt his skin breaking anew. Jayden knew about it. But how, that was the question Alan couldn't answer.

At the same second, the smirk fell off Jayden's face like a dead fly. An expression of horror flashed across his features and he pulled away, his hand trembling as he did so. Although he tried to regain a neutral composure as quickly as he could, he did lose it for a moment. Pretty obviously, in fact. He almost looked like he had just realized what he was doing there.

He heard people laughing around them without even knowing what was so funny for them. Someone exclaimed, "Now let's see who of them's first gonna cry like a baby!" Others were starting bets on the topic.

Jayden's gaze crossed Alan's, and he had never felt as filthy as he did in that exact moment.

Alan quickly got up, nearly knocking his chair over, then he told the teacher he would go to the toilet and disappeared from the classroom. In that one moment of lacking watchfulness, the now bloody spot in his sleeve became visible to some of his classmates.

Although there were just a few people chuckling to themselves, to Jayden it felt as if the entire room exploded in laughter – the laughter of teenagers who had always been having fun at another person's expense.

 

Alan didn't return until all classes were over, and not even the teachers paid any further attention to it. (That, in fact, was not a big surprise; most of the teachers didn't even check who was present and who was not.)

When the bell rang, Jayden quickly got up to go to the school library. As his grades were not the best ones, he wanted to work a bit harder from now on so he would not be in danger of having to repeat the year. It was just how things always went for him at school.

"Yo, Jay!," someone called out to him just as he was about to leave the near-empty room.

Jayden turned around to see Eric, as well as some of the other _cool kids_ of their class, if not the entire school. They were probably the most intolerant people one could meet; anyway, they had quite a lot of influence around, which was also very likely to be their way of getting good grades – blackmailing (or otherwise forcing) the more intelligent people into doing their schoolwork instead of doing it themselves and receiving a fitting grade. It was not really a surprise that they were also Alan's main bullies.

And Eric was what could be called their leader.

Jayden felt a lump slowly building up in his throat. Why should these people talk to him as the average pupil he was? "Uhm, hey...?," he greeted back. _Keep cool, Jayden, as cool as you can..._

"Awesome job you did there, man." Eric shot him a wide grin. "How did you know that gay motherfucker is that much of an emo kid?"

Giggling erupted from the few girls in the room.

 _Come up with a cool reply now, Jay. This is exactly the right moment to get yourself safe and sound, right?_ He still hesitated a bit. He did kinda have a small feeling of duty towards Alan, although he wasn't sure where that had its origins. "I just got my sources, duh," Jayden replied after a moment.

"Well, get that type of thing done a few more times, and we might let you join our club in spite of your gay name." Eric slapped Jay's shoulder – hard –, then he walked out of the room along with the others.

Jayden felt like he had to leave immediately, and he quickly rushed off to the staircase in the opposite direction. On his way to the library, his thoughts circled around his conversation with Eric. He had no idea if he wanted to join their club, nor had he known how his name was _gay_ ... but Eric was a person every pupil attending the school knew. It did feel quite nice that he had talked to him, giving him such an opportunity to gain some fame.

Opening the door to the library, Jayden forced himself to ban that type of thoughts from his head for now. He could still think about everything when he was done studying for the day.

After selecting a few books about the subjects he was bad at, he looked for a free table. Should not have been difficult, as he seemed to be the only person to visit the library.

Right at that moment, he spotted someone sitting alone at a table who looked exactly like - and actually was - his classmate.

Alan.

Without even putting further thought into it, Jayden walked over to him and put his stack of books down on his table. He wasn't even able to say _Hi_ or anything similar before Alan simply muttered, "Piss off." His gaze just remained glued to the smooth surface of the table in front of him.

Well, now that was a friendly greeting. _It's just the right way to treat me though_ , Jayden remarked to himself. "Oh, so you're no longer gonna go, _I knew you'd join them one day_? Seriously, don't make a fool of yourself like that," he blurted out.

"Okay, fine, I'm totally up to taking your advice." Alan raised his gaze to glare at him. "Why don't you also try out the feeling when you think you can finally trust someone and they just go and literally tear your old wounds open again, huh? I can assure you, it's awesome."

"Why do you even do that in the first place?," Jayden fired back, gesturing to Alan's arms and slumping down on a chair across from him.

Alan, surprisingly enough, laughed. It was a dry laugh without any amusement in it, but anyway, he laughed. "Wow, that's the dumbest question I've ever heard. I've grown addicted to it, that's why, monkeybutt. Do you wanna know what my arms look like? I bet you don't, but to be honest, I couldn't care less."

Jayden, seemingly frozen in place, watched as his classmate shrugged the loose, open sweatshirt off his shoulders, exposing not only pale skin that looked white compared to the black t-shirt he wore, but also a bandaged arm. From slightly above his elbow down to his wrist, a pure white bandage with a few red spots covered his left arm.

"Selfmade. I've become quite good at bandaging and that kind of first aid stuff, you know," Alan explained while he started loosening the bandage. Undoing it was a surprisingly quick process.

Confronted with the sight of Alan's bare arm, Jayden wished he had not eaten anything so far.

Most of Alan's forearm didn't have the color a halfway normal skin was supposed to have. It was covered in a carpet of scars with a rather wide variety of colors - white, brown, purple and various shades of red. Whether they looked disgusting or morbidly beautiful was a potentially hard decision.

Scattered all the way in between his wrist and his elbow, there were around five marks that were more obvious because of their bright red color. Those were no scars – they were wounds. Rather fresh ones, judging from the dried-up blood that surrounded them.

"Uh, and...," Jayden murmured out, still trying not to puke or anything from the sight he was enduring. "When did you last do it?"

"Two hours ago or so. I'm not sure, I don't keep track of that anymore," Alan replied casually. "Pretty much right after I left the classroom. I would be so lost without pencil sharpeners."

If Jayden's face had not paled before, it did now. "Pencil sharpeners?" He had to be careful so his voice didn't turn into a high, pathetic squeak.

"Yeah," Alan answered in an almost questioning tone, raising his eyebrows at the boy in front of him. "Pencil sharpeners, razors, scissors, anything I can get my hands on. What did you think? That I take a book and try to die from a papercut? Hell no. Hurts like a bitch and doesn't even draw blood. Making use of my fingernails would have more satisfying results."

Jayden inhaled, forcing himself to keep calm and relax. "Look, I'm not trying to make fun of you or anything," he started slowly, unsure how to get his point straight. "But how about you just stop that? Hand me your blades and get over it. All you do is damage yourself."

Alan stared at him for a seemingly long moment, then he burst into laughter again. After a full minute of laughing, he wiped his eyes and sighed with sincere amusement. "God, Jayden, I had no idea you're such a fun person to be with. Listen, I know you also expect me to be a normal person like everyone else, but it's not that easy. In opposite to you, I'm not capable of going, _Oh hey man, shit happens_. Even if I gave my blades to you, I could just go buy new ones a few moments later. Let's be honest, there's not a point in that. _Damaging myself_ , as you put it, is exactly what I want, and that's why I will never stop doing it."

Now it was Jayden's turn to stare at him, feeling a bit dumbfounded. He didn't know what to make of those words. After a rather long moment of thinking it over, a surprisingly odd thought popped up in his head. "Wait a second, could it be you're a masochist?," he blurted out.

Alan blinked in confusion, brows furrowing, as if he had just heard the most utterly stupid thing a human could possibly ask. "What the hell? No." He combed a hand through his hair, groaning in something like sudden exhaustion. "But don't worry, I'm not going to ask why you would think that kind of stuff."

Jayden nodded. The wave of information about his classmate made him feel a bit overwhelmed, and as much as he tried to deny it, he knew it would be better for both of them if he left for now. But on the other hand, leaving Alan behind made him feel uneasy deep inside, as if it was the wrong thing to do.

"You know what," he muttered, getting out a piece of paper and scribbling his phone number down on it. As soon as he was done, he awkwardly pushed the paper towards Alan. "If you need someone to talk to, I'll be there for you."

Alan once again started staring at him, frowning this time. After a bit of looking and hesitating, he reassured himself, "You do know that I'm gay, right?"

"Yeah, and where is the problem about that?," Jayden questioned back. "Is giving your mobile phone number to homosexuals restricted by law or some stuff like that?"

"No, but..." Alan trailed off, realizing how stupid he must have sounded. Just like always, making up pointless things that could only prove others right when they already thought of him as an idiot or a freak...

"Then it's okay," Jayden said without waiting how Alan would have ended his sentence. "As long as it doesn't go against the law, you should just keep being yourself. That is how you can find someone who loves you." As soon as he finished, Jayden noticed how wrong this sentence sounded. He, as one of the very few boys in their grade who had never dated anyone, should certainly not try to help others with that kind of talk! Feeling a remarkable blush crawl into his cheeks, he hastily got up to go home or at least leave the library.

"Wait!," Alan exclaimed, also standing up. (It was actually quite a surprise that the librarian so far had not done anything to shut them up.)

Jayden stopped in his movement upon hearing Alan's voice, turning back around to face him. He was a little surprised, although he didn't exactly know why. Maybe because he didn't know Alan could be so loud.

What came next was unexpected, maybe for both of them.

After he had quickly walked up to Jayden, Alan gently wrapped his arms around his taller classmate. "Thank you," he whispered, his face half-buried in Jay's shoulder. "I've never had anybody tell me something like what you just said."

Jayden hardly knew how to react, so he just hugged Alan back out of instinct. The boy felt so small and soft in his embrace, and he had a slight flowery smell to him. So much like a girl. _No, stop it, Jay! You can't just go and think that about a guy, right?_

Although he had spaced out a bit, Jayden could tell Alan was crying, at least judging from the wet spot which he felt was forming on his shoulder. Before Jay could stop himself, he pulled Alan even closer. "Hey," he murmured, hoping he sounded as gentle as he intended to. "You were happy just a moment ago, weren't you?"

Alan nodded slightly. The longer he talked, the more the crack in his voice faded. "Yeah. I'm just so glad you don't act like back in the classroom."

Jayden's body tensed up a little, a frown forming on his face. "Sorry."

Alan took a step back, quickly dragging the back of his hand across his eyes. His gaze seemed to focus on everything but Jayden. "You don't need to apologize." His cheeks were a bit flushed, and it was hard to tell if that was just from crying.

Jayden felt rather awkward, standing there in silence with his classmate, so he muttered, "I guess I'm going home, okay?" He quickly stepped to Alan's side, squeezed his hand – if that gesture was reassuring, and if so, whom it was meant to reassure, he didn't know – and then made his way out of the library.

As soon as he got out of the school building, he slowed down his pace a little and allowed the fresh air to flood his lungs. Another day of school had passed by, and now a wonderful weekend was about to start; Jayden had to admit that he felt quite at peace.

That was, until he realized what had just happened.

Jay leaned back against the closest wall of the school, trying to figure out why things had gone as they had. _Okay, so I went to the library and I met Alan there. We talked a bit and I said some bullshit about love, right? And then I gave him my number and we hugged each other and I blushed and he blushed and I took his hand and– Oh my God, no. That must have looked so wrong. What the fuck was I thinking?_

A chain of silent curses leaving his lips, Jayden slowly sank down to the ground. That couldn't be true. Regardless of Alan's preference, Jay himself was certainly not gay. He refused that thought before he could even finish thinking it.

Sudden doubt washed over him like a wave when he noticed his quickened heartbeat. "Oh God, why," he whispered. Just how was it possible that one little event caused him to think so much about those things?

For as long as he could remember, Jayden had never been so confused about what he should feel. Embarrassment, confusion, doubt, and something else he couldn't find a word for. Everything inside him seemed to be a mess.

All of that was a combination that nearly made him forget about the things Erichad told him, or how he didn't even try to start learning.

 

It was already Sunday when Alan called Jay. Both of the boys couldn't help but feel a bit flustered; Jayden was still mentally discussing his thoughts about Alan, and Alan wondered if he even cared enough to be confused. But perhaps, not caring altogether was not as bad as it seemed – after all, it made everything hurt a little bit less. And if you wanted to say something, then you could just as well say it honestly and without hesitation. That was what Alan now tried to do around Jayden.

"I just wanted to hear your voice," was one of the first things he said.

Although he tried to hold it back, Jayden could once again feel the hated heat rise to his cheeks. "And ... and that was something you needed immediately?," he asked, cursing inwardly straight after. There he was, actually happy about Alan calling him, and made it sound as if he didn't want it. Well, great.

"I didn't know why I should hold that wish back," Alan replied. "I really like your voice, to be honest."

Jayden hesitated. He wasn't sure whether he should just thank Alan, return the compliment or say something entirely different. "Thanks," he said after a while. Then the conflict he was facing since Friday hit him again. "But, Alan? I'd like you to stop that."

Alan wished he didn't get as much of a sinking feeling in his stomach as he did. "What are you referring to?," he managed to ask, hoping it didn't sound too forced.

Jay sighed softly, raising his hand and dropping it again, then closing his eyes for a moment. "Being so ... relaxed about your feelings," he answered after a moment. "After what happened on Friday, I don't know what mine are anymore. Should I be absolutely honest? I feel like I lost focus on who I am and what I want, and that scares me. I'm too afraid of not being who I've always thought I am to put it into words."

Alan remained silent, softly and absentmindedly brushing his thumb over the slashes on his bare legs. After a seemingly long time, he spoke up, "You really remind me of myself three years ago now. Sorry I ended up putting you through that," he apologized, subconsciously clutching his mobile in his hand. His touch on the barely healed wounds grew rough, and he could already feel the first drop of blood dribbling down his leg. "I guess it's better if I go."

"What?!," Jayden exclaimed. He wasn't sure what Alan had meant by _go_ , but the statement itself was unnerving to him. "Don't hang up already, Alan! I don't know what you're thinking, but it's not your fault that I doubt myself!"

Silence.

"Alan?," Jay asked.

Alan laughed bitterly. "Of course you don't know what I'm thinking. You don't even know what _you_ are thinking."

"I don't know what your problem is in the first place," Jayden replied. "First you call me and then we end up arguing after hardly a minute. Alan, I don't want things to get fucked up, okay? If this is about me and my feelings for you, I will just stay silent and then we can avoid that topic." The conversation was drifting into a direction Jayden totally didn't want. It was bad enough that their talk already sounded like some kind of lovers' quarrel, but now he had even mentioned his feelings. Damn it. Worst thing he could probably do.

Alan straightened up, a sudden urge to lash out at someone nearly taking over his body. " _You and your feelings for me_? Don't be ridiculous, Jay. We both know that's at best your imagination. Why would you even think you feel some bullshit for a loser like me?"

Jayden tried not to be hyperaware of the fact that Alan had used his nickname. "Well, you talked about yourself three years ago, so I just assumed that was about your coming-out," he fired back. His own words felt like a punch straight into his face, and he didn't even know why.

Alan tensed up even more. If only he hadn't called his classmate... "Shut up," he muttered after a moment. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does," Jayden answered. "I might be just overthinking our relationship, but the one thing I know is that I care about you. So please trust me. I ... I don't want to lose you to your stupid blades."

"Yeah, yeah. Okay," Alan said half-heartedly, knowing he would not be able to keep that promise. Then he quickly ended the call.

Staring at his mobile, the fragile boy couldn't really help but feel like he had betrayed someone. He was not sure if the one he had betrayed was Jayden or himself, but it didn't matter either way – or did it? "You damn liar," Alan whispered as he could already feel the first tear rolling down his cheek.

 

"Alan? Goddammit, Alan!"

Jayden cursed while he called Alan over and over again, every time without success. Alan did not even pick up.

The dark-haired boy leaned back with a huff, glaring daggers at the screen of his mobile. "Seriously, why can't he just act normally when he talks to someone." A sigh of frustration escaped Jay's lips. Maybe he did not understand Alan's thoughts and feelings, but that didn't mean he couldn't try and help him ... did it?

Not willing to rest before he had contacted Alan again, Jayden slowly typed out a text message to him. Five letters. _S o r r y_. Jay didn't know what this apology was for, but he felt like it was the only thing he could say right now. Before he could think even more about it, he hit the _Send_ button.

He sighed heavily, and the unwanted sound appeared so, so _loud_ within the silent walls of his room.

 

When school started again on Monday, Jayden still had not heard anything from Alan. And when he saw him, it didn't make him feel any calmer.

Alan's long sleeves were rolled up to bare around half of his forearms, openly showing his scars to anyone who looked at him. His left arm was full of red gashes that looked like they had been violently drawn across the scar tissue; his right arm held around a dozen of irregular, shaky lines crossing it.

Watching as other pupils threw disgusted glances at Alan, Jayden wished he could just walk over to him and ask about it like normal friends (were they even friends?) would. But he couldn't. It would make everyone get mad at him – probably not only some of the jocks, but also Alan himself – and even if he was actually going to ask, he would not know how to do it or which words to choose. It made Jay once again realize how helplessly he was facing the entire situation.

For now, he had to pretend he didn't know Alan. For now, he had to pretend he didn't care.

His playact didn't work all too well, but he could at least suppress many of the worried glances he would have normally cast towards Alan.

When the class entered their room, Jay could feel somebody bump into him from the side. Within the small crowd of students, he could not quite make out who it had been, but the scarred arm he could make out from peripheral view was enough for him to know. "Please avoid the rooftop today, Jay," Alan said, a soft whisper almost inaudible over everybody's chatting.

Jayden didn't know why he should follow that instruction – he usually didn't even go up there –, but he didn't have enough time to react before they got into the classroom and he had to take his seat beside Daniel anyway.

The lesson was rather hard to focus on as Jayden was constantly lost in his thoughts. He did not even know what he was thinking about, but his mind was definitely adrift and not anywhere close to trying to understand the teacher's words.

"Hey." Daniel nudged him with his elbow after some time. "Do you know what's up with our Mr Fag over there?"

Jayden quickly glimpsed at Alan, who sat silently by the wall and was scribbling something on a sheet of paper at a quick pace. Maybe notes about the lesson. Jay returned his view to his own table. "No idea," he said, shrugging. He was already spacing out again, and he didn't intend to stop it. _Homo bitch. Gay motherfucker. Fag._ Jayden had to bite back a heavy sigh. Who would he become if he had to hear things like that about himself every day? If he ended up constantly being insulted for something that wasn't his fault?

His chain of thoughts was interrupted when the bell rang, indicating the lesson was over. The dark-haired boy snapped out of his thinking session, stuffing his things into his bag just in time to see Alan dashing out of the room.

"Huh? Where's he going?," somebody asked.

Jayden decided to commit himself to eavesdropping for a moment. It was probably okay anyway, and he was just as interested in that conversation as everybody else seemed to be.

"No idea, but..." That was Eric with an incredibly offturning grin to his face, although that one was probably mostly meant to cover up the fact that he didn't really sound as self-confident as he usually did. "Maybe he's finally gonna go kill himself."

"Woah there, Eric!," Samantha exclaimed, bursting into laughter that was as fake as she was. "Don't you think that one was a bit too intense?"

"But it might not be that wrong. I mean, you all saw his arms, didn't you?," another girl argued.

Jayden felt more and more horrified with every word that was spoken, and at that point, he followed Alan's example and ran out of the room as fast as he could. Maybe it was his logical thinking that told him to get up to the roof, maybe it was just his instincts. He didn't care. But deep down, he knew that sprinting up the stairs with all strenghth he could muster was the right thing to do.

As soon as he stumbled out onto the roof of the school, panting and out of breath, his heart skipped a beat.

Alan was there, turned towards the edge, but he was there.

Jayden straightened up again, still breathing heavily. "Alan?," he whispered, hoping the wind up here wouldn't carry away his voice.

Surprisingly enough, Alan slowly turned around to face him. His face didn't show anything similar to an emotion when he asked, "Jayden... what are you doing here? Haven't I told you to avoid the roof today?"

Jayden didn't have the faintest idea what he could possibly do or say now, but there was something pulling at his heartstrings from the back of his mind, making him fully aware of how crucial this situation could be. All he felt capable of at the moment was taking a few steps into Alan's direction, eyes glued to his classmate in disbelief.

"Stay away!!," Alan suddenly yelled out, no longer as calm and collected as he had just been. He staggered backwards with a few uncertain, shaky steps. His voice sounded unexpectedly soft and soothing again when he continued, "Don't, Jay. You can't help me anymore."

The scene taking place around him seemed to be nothing but one huge blur to Jayden, like some kind of horrific image that left him too shocked to form proper sentences. "But..."

"No," Alan interrupted him, cold and careful at the same time. "Sorry, but I really want to leave. I can't even think of anything else."

"Alan–!," Jay started again, knowing it would be no use.

Alan shook his head, signaling the denial that almost had to be expected, and walked further towards Jay again. "I can't go back now. Come on, give me your arm."

"Fine." Jayden was surprised how quickly he answered this time, as if some sort of switch had been turned inside him. He raised his arm just like Alan told him to. "I don't know how that will help, but..." The dark-haired boy trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished.

A chuckle escaped Alan's lips. That was almost ordinary for him – mostly laughing when it just didn't fit the situation. "It won't, stupid. But it will at least create a little souvenir." Leaning forward a bit and gently holding Jay's wrist, he dug his free hand into his pocket, then removed it after a moment. His eyes – earlier focused on his classmate's clean skin – trailed back up to his face. "Relax a bit, okay? That will help." He pushed Jay's sleeve up, slowly, almost as if he wanted to tease him.

Jayden had thought all he would have to do was to watch, but when he saw the blade in Alan's hand reflecting the sunlight, his eyes widened in shock, a nagging fear nearly choking him. "Wha– Hang on a second! I don't want to–!" He struggled, trying to break free, but Alan's grip was surprisingly tight.

The smaller boy stopped, then he held the blade out so Jayden could take a better look at it. "It's a cutter knife, Jay. You can trust me when I say it doesn' t hurt."

Jayden drew in a shaky breath, slowly relaxing his tense body again. "O-okay, fine."

Despite the raging pain he had expected, the cut was hardly more than the feeling of cold metal against his skin and a red line appearing in the middle of his forearm as soon as the blade was gone. Jayden stared at the cut when Alan pocketed the knife again. The first tiny drop of blood oozed out of it, but the pain was still hardly there even if he focused on it.

He managed to tear his gaze off the small wound, looking at his classmate instead. "But ... Alan," he began. "Do you seriously want to–?"

Alan's posture looked pretty relaxed – ready, prepared, a person who didn't have anything to be scared of anymore – when he plainly replied, "Yeah. Can't help it, Jay." His hand wandered back into his pocket and he pulled out a small bag. "The explanation is inside. Take good care of these, okay? I'll finally get over it, as you told me to."

A quiet noise of metal against metal could be heard when the bag met with Jayden's hand, and he was hit by an unexpected realization. "Are these...?"

"Absolutely." Alan, letting go of the bag, gazed up at the sky. "Well, my time has come. I guess I'm going to go."

"...Alan?," Jayden asked before his classmate could do any movement other than turning away from him.

Alan's shoulders visibly tensed up. "Yeah?"

Jayden fumbled with the hem of his sleeve, suddenly uncertain about the request he was about to make. Now that he actually had to put it into words, it was far more embarrassing than it had been as nothing but a thought. Hesitantly, he said, "I know how cheesy this sounds, but ... please kiss me. If you're really going to die now, I want to be at least sure about my feelings when you're gone."

When Alan turned back around, a slight smile played around his lips. It was a rather new side to the petite, sad boy – the seductive side of darkness and mystery. "Fine. But don't try to hold me back or anything, okay?"

Jayden wanted to say something more (he didn't even know what it was), but Alan already closed the distance between them, fulfilling the request. Jay's eyes widened at the touch of Alan's soft, cool lips against his own. Although it had been his own wish, he didn't know how to react to the action now. He could feel Alan's hands in his hair and on his waist, pulling him closer to the frail, breaking body and making him wish for this one moment to be eternal. This was it – his first actual kiss, taken by a boy just before his suicide. It felt like too much of a cliché tragedy to ignore the sting of tears behind his now closed eyelids.

When Alan pulled away, Jayden didn't even try to hide his watery eyes. His voice was undeniably shaking when he whispered his classmate's name.

Alan did not break the eye contact with him, but the look on his face seemed to be much less sad than compassionate. " _No_ , Jay. I'm sorry, but I really can't stay. It has been three years now and I'm so, so done." He gently wrapped his arms around Jay, enveloping him in a hug just like the one they had shared in the library. "Thanks for the awesome time, man," he murmured – a sentence that sounded so extremely out of place between his usual kind of speech that it would have been ridiculous if they were in a different situation.

Jayden returned the hug, weakly grabbing fistfuls of Alan's clothing as if a life depended on it. (Well, it kinda did.) The other youth's body felt both like a saving anchor and like an easily breakable glass doll, and this time, Jay was not ashamed of his thoughts about Alan. His mind was too much of a mess to think about them, too much of a mess to talk. "But ... Alan, do you seriously–? Why do you have to...?" His voice broke, and he could not keep a sob from escaping his throat.

So this time, he was the one crying into another guy's shoulder.

Alan gently broke their hug, cupping Jay's face with his hands and brushing his thumb across his classmate's cheek in an attempt to wipe his tears away. "Jay, promise me one thing – as soon as I have jumped, don't look down, okay? I want at least you to remember me in one piece," he muttered softly. His hand went a bit down, finding the bleeding cut on Jay's arm and applying a slight pressure to it as if it helped Alan reassure both himself and the other boy.

Jayden gasped at the sudden pain that flared through his arm and he could not exactly help but stutter, "Okay,– Okay, I promise it, Alan, _I promise it_..." Spoken like this, the words sounded more like a chant than anything else.

"Good." Alan gave Jay's shoulder one last comforting squeeze. The heaviness and firmness of his decision lit his eyes like an unyielding fire. "Don't forget me." Then he turned around, ran towards the edge and leaped off. The noon sun illuminated his form flying in the open for a split-second, like a dying angel with invisible broken wings, before he disappeared from Jay's view. Forever.

Jayden had watched the moment in horror, and in the moment he lost sight of Alan, he collapsed to the ground. His breath, coming out in dry, ragged gasps for air, became louder until the tears started spilling out of his squeezed-shut eyes, and quickly turned into choked sobs.

The cut on his arm – the last bit of Alan that had remained in his life – stained his clothes when he clutched his shirt, his crying turning into the loudest scream of agony that he could manage.

 

The following days felt as if the world had turned monochrome – dull and boring. No matter how much Jayden tried to hide the numbing anguish in his heart, it was obvious to everybody. He did not even go to school.

The healing cut on his arm slowly turned into a reminding scar.

How many days had passed since it happened? Four? Five? Jayden didn't know, but he couldn't bring himself to care either. He got a few text messages from Daniel and – somewhat to his surprise – Eric, but he instantly deleted those from the latter. Eric was certainly the last person he wanted to talk to now.

His gaze fell onto the bag he had barely let go of. Alan's bag. The bag he had managed to keep a secret even when the police interrogated him.

The quiet noise of metal against metal chimed through the silence of his room when Jayden finally opened it for the first time. A crumpled piece of paper lay on top of the small collection of blades inside. With sweaty, trembling hands, Jayden reached into the bag, pulling the paper out and carefully unfolding it. When he read the first few lines, he finally cried the tears that had refused to come out for the past few days.

What he held in his hands was Alan's suicide note.

 

_Dear Jay_

_I have no idea how I should get this over with, but I know I have to make you know why everything happened the way it did. Trusting you might be a bad idea, but I think it would be best if this letter and everything else remained a secret – the LAST one – between the two of us. So please, Jay, don't tell anyone. No matter how heavily it weighs on your shoulders, just don't. I know this is egoistic, but I can't help being the piece of shit I am._

_My life is a vast swamp of darkness, and I've spent so much time drowning in it that I had come to appreciate it. That was how I felt until you idiot came up to me for that assignment. I would not have had a problem with doing it alone – after all, that's what it has always been like. But then you were suddenly there and you lit a new light (which was, in the end, just too far away for me to reach it in time)._

_Every thought of you sent a shiver through my body, as if some kind of new energy was streaming through me. I felt that I was appreciating you just way too much, and it made me try to ban you from my head. I listened to music so loud that I got a headache, I nearly mutilated myself, I spent whole nights crying because of how much I tainted you with my filthy thoughts. But it didn't help. I should really be honest with you now, but I can't spell the L word here because I know it would make you hate me a lot more than you already do._

_Please know that I have all the time been prepared to take my life, so don't think it's your fault. It's only mine. I've let you down just now. I'm sorry. Please understand it, Jay, you have seen my arms and maybe you can imagine that I need to escape all this shit called life._

_I have always been a weakling who preferred running away from problems instead of facing them. I'm now doing it again; a one-way ticket without return. And if I regret anything about it, then it is that I'm leaving you behind. Following my most disturbing thoughts, I'd love to take you with me. But you deserve death as little as I deserved you, no matter how ridiculous that sounds._

_I know I'm too much of a fuck-up to be an angel, but I'm going to spread my non-existent wings and try flying anyway._

_Alan_


End file.
